Attack of the Crawfopus
by hose
Summary: Farfie learns some gypsy curses and Crawford gets turned into an octopus. This entire story is basically just an excuse to get Omi to talk in a Russian accent...


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Disclaimer: We don't own Weiss Kreuz. We wish we did.

(Schuldig hears Farfarello laughing. He checks to see what's going on; sees Farfie laughing at an octopus with Crawford glasses and spikey hair.)

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Farfie: (cackling)

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Schu: uh...what's going on, baby? (sees octopus) Sweet Sassy Molassy! What is that?!

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Farfie: Crawford. (cackles)

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Crawford: Rrrow! _translation: Help me, I'm an octopus!!_

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Farfie: heh heh heh

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Schu: (laughs) Wait... how did this happen?

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Farfie: (cackles) _translation: Damn bastard took my blender. Damnit. Then I turned him into an octopus using a gypsy curse._

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Crawford: Rrrroww! _translation: Damn you, Farfie._

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Schu: (laughs. Starts braiding Crawford's hair.) I've always wanted to do this!

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Crawford: Rrrow! (waves tentacles around, but can't hit Schu as he is a small octopus.) _translation: Can't...hit...too...short..._

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Schu: heh heh

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(Five days later... Weiss is at a pond feeding ducks. Ken throws a large chunk of bread at a duck. It eats the bread, chokes, and spits the piece back out at Ken.)

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Omi: (sighs) He did it again. At least this one didn't die.

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(Flashback--Omi is kneeling over a dead duck. There is a halo of light shining on them.)

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Omi: Nooooo! What have you done?!!

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Aya: (sits down next to Omi) It's okay, Omi.

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Omi: He--he--he--

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Aya: It's all right. You don't have to say it.

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(Duck flies away.)

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Omi: It's a miracle!

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(End flashback.)

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Ken: It didn't die, Omi.

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Omi: For a second, it did. But then God took pity on the duck and resurrected him.

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Ken: Last time you said it was Aya.

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Omi: Aya, God--whatever.

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Ken: You're being a foggy glass, Omi.

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Omi: I'm not a foggy glass! Aya, am I a foggy glass?

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Yohji: What the hell is a foggy glass? 

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(Everyone looks at Aya.)

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Aya: What? How am I supposed to know what Ken's idiotic phrase means?

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Ken: My phrase isn't ionic!

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Aya: Idiotic.

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Ken: Whatever.

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(Ken fantasy: Ken throws a chunk of bread at Omi. Omi eats it and chokes, falls over dead.)

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Ken: (leaning over Omi) NOOOO!!!

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(real life:)

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Omi: Why are you staring at me like that? ...Aya...

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Aya: Stop teasing Omi. (Throws bread at duck. A tentacle reaches out of the water and grabs it. Aya glares at the water. Farfie walks by with a small octopus leash. He is looking around.)

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Farfie: Grrr... _translation: Where did that damn Crawfopus run off to?_

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Omi: Isn't that Farfarello?

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Ken: What is he doing here?

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(Schu pops out of the bushes behind Weiss.)

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Schu: Excuse me, but have any of you seen a small octopus?

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Yohji: Schuldig?

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Schu: Ah, yes. Whore Number Two.

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Yohji: Number _two? _Who's number one?!!

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(Aya coughs. Yohji glares at Aya.)

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Schu: (to Aya) Have you seen something, baby?

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Aya: (glares)

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Farfie: (pops up next to Aya) Where's Crawfopus?

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Omi: Crawfopus?

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Nagi: (pops up next to Omi.) We seem to have misplaced him.

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Ken: What the hell is Crawfopus?!

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Schu: (laughs) Farfie turned Crawford into an octopus using a gypsy curse.

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Farfie: It definitely hurt God.

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Schu: Well, Farfie, Aya thinks he may be in the water.

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Farfie: Withholding information? I curse you all! (Jumps into the water. Comes out a few seconds later with Crawford on a leash. Crawford is struggling.)

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Crawford: Rrrow!! _translation: Let me go, damnit!_

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Farfie: (cackles) t_ranslation: You're not getting away this time. heh heh heh..._

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Schu: Thank you for your help! (laughs, exits with Farfie and Nagi and Crawford.)

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Ken: (in New York accent) Hold on... ah!! K-Dawg's voice!! ...K-Dawg...?

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Yohji: (in Scottish accent) hahahahaha! Ya fuckin wanker! ehh-- what de fuck? 

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Omi: (in husky Russian voice) I ham zo afraid. Oh, khraputnik.

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(Ken and Yohji laugh.)

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Ken: Now you say somethin', Aya ma man!

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Aya: (glares)

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Omi: Khome now, eetz not like vee do not zound like eediotz.

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Aya: (glares)

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Yohji: Get fuckin' talkin', ya fuckin' wanker!

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Aya: (glares)

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Yohji: What? You got a fuckin' starin' problem? Is 'at it?

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Ken: Chill, bro. Back off. We let him talk when he wants ta, capeche? Don make K-Dawg go bugnuk on yo ass.

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Omi: Let's jeest go home, yes? ...You give me a headache.

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(On the car ride home, Aya turns the radio on to country music.)

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Aya: Whooooie!! (shocked, clamps hand over mouth. Ken, Yohji, Omi stare. Aya unclamps mouth. In nasal Southern voice...) Aw, damnit. Lookit what ah done got stuck wid. (Omi, Yohji, Ken laugh hysterically.) Quiet now, ya hear! (Omi, Yohji, Ken laugh louder. Aya glares. They instantly quiet down.) Now what we need to do right now is go to Farfie and tell him to undo this cures he done on us. (Ken snickers.) SHUT YOU'A MOUTH!! ( Omi, Ken, Yohji laugh. Aya pulls out katana.)

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Omi: Alright, alright, vee har kviet now, you see? No zlicing hus, okhay? Okhay. (under his breath) ...peeg-dog.

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(Weiss sees Schwarz on the street. Farfie throws Crawford at an innocent bystander's face.)

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Farfie: Sic her, Crawfopus! Make God weep!! (cackles)

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Aya: Holy cats 'n' jammers!

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Ken: (to bystander) K-Dawg'll save ya! Lay some skin on me, bro! (Runs to sidewalk, tries to pull Crawford off of person, but can't. Ken gets stuck to Crawford, instead.) Oh no! K-Dawg is stuck, bro! 

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Yohji: (laughs) Lookit 'at wee lassie! He cannae even fight a fuckin' octopus!

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(Crawford lets go of woman, but still sticks to Ken. Tries to whack Ken, but can't because he is too little.)

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Crawford: Rrrroww!! _translation: Get your filthy hands off me!!_

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Ken: (screams incessantly)

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(Everyone laughs at the scene continuously)

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Omi: Help heem, you peeg-dogs!!

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Aya: How about you help him, sweetie-pie? Ah ain't gonna touch that thang.

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Omi: You mean you har afraid hof that little octopus?! 

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Aya: No, honey, I meant Ken.

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Omi: Vell, someone has to help heem, no? ...Fine, I vill go do eet. (Omi goes to help Ken, accidentally touches Crawford.) Oh, khrap!! ( Let's go, doesn't get stuck.) eh...? Jeest let go, Ken.

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Ken: Wha?

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Omi: You har not stuck. Jeest let go.

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Ken: OH...hahaha--gotcha! (Lets go of Crawford.)

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Aya: (jumps out of car) Farfie-honey, you need ta give us oua normal voices back!

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Farfie: No. God is weeping right now because of this.

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Aya: _Ken _is weepin' right now because of this.

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Ken: Waaaaaa!!! Why is K-Dawg so stoopid??!

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Omi: You har not stupid, Ken. You har jeest... ionic.

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Ken: K-Dawg knows what dat means, bro. He isn't gay!

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Yohji: Stop callin' yerself K-Dawg already, ya wanker!

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Omi: Yes... and anywayz, Ken, you har gay.

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Ken: Oh, yeah. (kisses Omi)

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Omi: Get hoff hof me, you peeg-dog! I ham not Yohji!!

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Yohji: We heard that, ya fuckin' wanker. ( Ken kisses Yohji)

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Farfie: That definitely made God weep.

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Yohji: Really? Well, if we skrew aroond with 'im, will you change everythin' back?

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Farfie: Hmmmm...

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Crawford: Rrrow! _translation: I don't want to be a fucking octopus forever!_

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Ken: Well, K-Dawg ain't down wid sleepin' wid Yohji, but if it means he will quit callin' himself K-Dawg...

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Farfie: Fine. But you must use my bondage things.

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Yohji: Fine. Ya wanker.

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Farfie: ...and my blender...

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Ken: No way, bro!

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Farfie: Then Crawford stays as he is.

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Yohji/Omi/Ken/Aya: Fine.

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Farfie: (cackles.) _translation: Deal._

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Crawford: Rrrrrroww! _translation: NOOOOO!_

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Aya: (in normal voice) I've never seen an octopus cry before.

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Omi: Yay! Our voices are back to normal!

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Ken: That makes K-Dawg happy!--Damnit!

THE END (or is it?)


End file.
